So I've been meaning to write a blog for ages now. I guess I always put it off  because I have all these expectations for my blog...like it should be a writing blog for my stories or like my deep thoughts. But I decided, at least for now , I want no limitations and the posts can be sporadic. It doesn't matter, it's not for an audience, it's for me.

So who am I? Like as a person deep inside and not all the titles of the various positions that I hold. Because those titles do not define me and I want this blog to be a representation of my being at this point in time because I know  I am a very transitory person.  10 years ago, say even 4-5 years ago, this was not the person who I expected to be. It seemed scary at first, to think that the 'me' from years ago would have balked at seeing the 'me' from today. And knowing that the me 10 years from now probably would be completely recognisable to be a 'me' today. And I worried,  would the past 'me' be disappointed in the 'me' today. But I realise, that all of this doesn't matter...you cannot worry about who you are going to be or what you cannot change. All that matters is that you are happy with yourself , and in the long run , it's this tough , difficult journey to self-actualization that counts.

So who am I again? Boy this is a tough question to answer.  I think one of my most consistent values is being stubborn. Fittingly. Hehe.  I remember my stubborn streak existed even when I was 4. Haha, I think as a 4 year old I had made some mistake but I refused to apologise. It was late at night and my dad got angry so he told me to go sit outside the house till I could apologise probably thinking I would be scared to be alone outside so late in the night and that I'd be scared to be locked out of the house. I was scared and guilty yes. But boy was I stubborn about not apologising so I took Dinoboy , my favourite toy that was a stuffed green dinosaur(still is!)  out with me and sat on the steps that lead to my house. My dad closed the door on me and I must have only sat there for about 30seconds. And already I was thinking, I could just wear my slippers and walk off and run away! They'll never know where I have gone! But I think I would  have been too scared to go anywhere (I was only 4!) and anyway, I didn't have much time to ponder on the idea as my dad opened door a few seconds later and asked me to come back in.   Hehe, with much relief I walked back in but I dont remember if I apologised then. But looking back at the 'me' then, and the 'me' now, I am happy to say, that I am still stubborn. And I'm happy to note that this hasn't changed in me one bit. Its good to know that I always will have my stubborn nature to fall back on.

Hmm...what else am I? I am frank...direct....it's been a hard lesson to learn(one that I am still learning) that not everyone works the same way as I do. You can't expect everyone to be direct to each other, honest to each other...unfortunately the world doesn't work that way for it would have been less complicated. As a result, I am very tactless, on several occasions I have hurt feelings or said the wrong things but just letting unfiltered thoughts out of my mouth. And instantly, I am hit with a wave of regret. I shouldn't have said that! And it gets extremely upsetting(to the point of tears) sometimes when I find that I've hurt a friend. And I get very frustrated , how the hell due you get tact when your mind is wired to just think and say things directly and you don't realise that its wrong?  Its been a long and difficult journey, one that I am still learning from....but I'm growing to understand that everyone's social rules are different and you cannot hope to impose your rules on others and instead must respect everyone else's. So I'm learning and I think I am getting a little better and  being less tactless , but I must assert, I am still work in progress!

Hmm...what else....Oh I am very emotional. Exceedingly so. The slightest things can set me off and even on the smallest , slightly emotional scenes in the movie, even scenes that aren't exactly supposed to be tear jerkers can make me tear.( but only when I'm alone though, I have my pride!). I think is because I sort of emphathize too much being an overemotional person, and also because even the slightest sentiment that relates to me in some way can cause me to think and reflect of the significance of that sentiment to my own life and cause me to tear, in a span of few seconds. Haha...it seems ridiculous. Yup, so surprise, surprise , I'm a big crier! I don't think people except my family really know though, I don't act like to much of a cry baby in front of friends/people. Again, this goes back to my pride issue.

Okay, since I've mentioned it before. Pride is a huge part of who I am...and yes I sort of have a  ego. But I don't think my pride is a bad thing though. Its what defines me and pushes me along whenever I face obstacles. Pride has helped me get out of some really low points so in no way do I consider it a bad thing. Its a neccessary driving force in my life. However, off late I'm getting very unmotivated and I've lost my drive and pride is not doing the same thing for me over the past couple of years. Is it a brink of a change in who I am? Am I no longer a prideful person? I don't think so...having pride is still so very me in so many aspects and it is still a definitive part of me. The lack of motivation thing, yeah its been plaguing me for  a few years now but I will talk about it another time.

Okay,  another big point regarding who I am. I'm an introvert and yes I am very socially awkward. I have a hard time in crowds where I am mostly quiet, and I have a hard time approaching big groups.  I prefer having one-on-one conversation or a small group of friends that I can trust. I've never been a big clique person. I've always have a tough time making friends and this is a worry that constantly bothers me as I review everything little thing that took place whenever I interact with someone and constantly replay the interaction in my head, worrying over the smallest minor details that I know weren't even a problem to begin with , and cringe and scold myself saying , " I shouldn't have said this! I shouldn't have done that'. Yeah that's me, I over think things. And especially when its an interaction with a friend , I worry I've screwed up the friendship forever. Just whenever I get comfortable and settle into a pattern, and think its okay I have a group of friends that are there for me...all these little incidents happen and I over think things, thinking how I'm never going to have friends and worrying about my social awkwardness. Again , it sounds ridiculous I know. But Im working on it , and hopefully getting better at it. I think so, I think I'm better at making friends. Secondary school was one of the worst times in my teenagers years because I'm not even exaggerating when I say I had no friends! It bothered me a lot yes, I was the outcast and one day perhaps I will talk about that experience. But all I know is that I went to junior college thinking , I can start afresh and make new friends. And true enough I did make a few friends. And now during university, thanks solely to campus living , I seem to have made a home for myself and a lot of friends. At least it feels that way, I seem to have gotten better at making friends. Yet I know, catch me on a depressed day and I'd tell you I have no friends. Sigh

Ironically though, despite being an introvert/socially awkward, I've always liked to present/perform on stage. Especially acting, I really enjoy being the centre of attention while on stage and doing well and getting that applause. Perhaps, I am a socially awkward extrovert trapped in an introvert's body!  For there are times, like anyone else I want a big group of friends and wide social circle. However, I don't think that is exactly the case for me-time is really important to me and I get exhausted after spending a few hours with people and need me-time to recharge. So perhaps, I am a introvert with extrovert tendencies or an introvert that aspires to be extroverted? I don't know...I don't really care for labels, and it's not like I know what the future-me will be like anyways right?

Hmm..I realise I've been talking quite a fair bit about myself in the end after all. When I set to writing this post defining me, I was worried that I wouldn't really be able to describe myself given my transitory character and all...but I've actually written quite a fair bit and the thoughts just flowed out naturally.

So I'll just write a little bit more about me before I conclude this post.

I'm also very impatient and hot-tempered. I hide it well enough from most friends , but people closer to me , especially my family get this raw, unfiltered side of me. I am the worst to my family.  They get all the raw, ugly aspects, the worst aspects of me. Which is horrid of me I know, because they are my family and  I do love them. They deserve to get treated a lot better I know...but I love them...and I trust them...and there's not many people that I love and trust and I feel like I can't be bothered pretending at all with them. Yes I know, I can stop masking myself around my own family but that doesn't mean I can treat them badly. I haven't really thought this through being a selfish person(yes , I am rather self-centred) and this is the easiest for me. And my relationship with my family is complicated(for another post)...urgh , excuses! I know I'm making excuses for myself and I should treat them nicer, but as of now I haven't made any effort in that...I'll be honest about that.

What do I consider my biggest asset? My imagination. I would love to live in a fantasy world filled with dragons and magic created from all the worlds in the fantasy books that I have read. I would love to have superpowers! So I daydream a lot and try not to spend anymore time in reality than I have to(which is a lot by the way for as a uni student I am very busy, and don't even have times for books anymore! Oh the horror! D:)  Okay, I realise this sounds very weird but I am weird and I believe everyone is, it's just how good you are at hiding it/ whether you can be bothered to hide it , to fit society's norms. I must say I'm not very good which explains why I am socially awkward haha. Anyway, my ideal /fantasy dream career, is to write a series of books (fantasy ofcourse) and I will consider myself successful if and when my characters start being as alive to the readers , as they are to me in my head. I really really hope this dreams come true. But I must say, that I'm not a very committed person when it comes to personal responsibilities so who knows?

Okay, okay, I swear I will end this blogpost soon! Who am I talking to anyway? This blog is meant for myself haha, and not catered to any readers. But if any of you are reading, thank you for reading it  for this long. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you what my life motto is , right now at the age of 19, soon to turn 20... I want to have leave a deeper impression than most, to show for my having lived , when I'm gone. I know in the grand scale of time, even the most deepest marks will be wiped clean and I can only hope to leave a shallow dent...but it would be nice to have known that I made a little bit more of a difference than most.

So yes, that's me.